ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
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