i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
