I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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