Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
