ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
