He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
