Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Randomize
