your parents love me but you hate me
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Randomize
