You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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