Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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