Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
