Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
