I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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