fuck your aforementioned shoe
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
