The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
