omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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