nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
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The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
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Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.