I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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