we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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