I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
