I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I just found puke in my bra..
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
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