I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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