Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
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