Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i will never coherently bang her
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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