I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Randomize
