I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
