I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
As shirtless as possible
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
