Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I can't turn off my feet"
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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