maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
