hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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