I only kidnapped one of them. chill
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
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It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
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And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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