just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
