Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
