I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
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i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
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Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
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