Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
