You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
