I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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