and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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