Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
your like the ambassador to my penis.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Randomize
