I wish I could teleport
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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