he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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