Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
Randomize
