Apparently you make a good broom.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
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