why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
