Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Randomize
