OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
He called his prostate his "boner button".
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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