you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
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My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
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