Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Randomize
