omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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