i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
