I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
