Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Randomize
