I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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