i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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