you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
