i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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