the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Randomize
