She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
