It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Randomize
