i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
