Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
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not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
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As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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