I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
