What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
Randomize
