if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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