honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
