So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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